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I never knew my father was an alcoholic until he came home sober one night.
-Andre Botes
It’s not true that life is one damn thing after another. It’s the same damn thing over and over.
-Edna St.Vincent Milay
People never grow up, they just learn how to act in public.
-Bryan White
I have great faith in fools -- my friends call it self-confidence.
-Edgar Allen Poe
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my god, I could be eating a slow learner.
-Lynda Montgomery
I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance -- waiting to get into the bathroom.
-Bob Hope
I don’t really enjoy sex. I just pretend I do to get girls to sleep with me.
-Byron Alley
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
-Mark Twain
There is a very fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
-Oscar Levant
Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
-Dorothy Parker
I tried to wrestle my inner demons once, but they used too many illegal holds.
-Amanda McAllister
Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.
-Will Rogers
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
-Unknown
If we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
-Edith Wharton
Every time I think I’ve hit bottom, someone hands me a shovel.
-Unknown
According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.
-Unknown
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
-Frank Sinatra
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and the world looks sheepish and suddenly remembers it had other plans.
-Unknown
If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing, and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
-Thomas de Quincy (1785-1859)
Blinky lights are the essence of technology. Everything else is just fluff.
-Unknown
Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lightening kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it.
-Unknown
Computers let you make mistakes faster than anything except handguns and tequila.
-Mitch Radcliffe
If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
-Linda Ellerbee
There’s no such thing as a tough child. If you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
-W.C. Fields
Curse the blasted, jelly-boned swines, the slimy, the belly-wiggling invertebrates, the miserable soddingrotters, the flaming sods, the sniveling, dribbling, dithering, palsied, pulse-less lot that make up England today. They’ve got white of egg in their veins and their spunk is so watery it’s a marvel they can breed.
-D.H. Lawrence
Behind every great man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson
I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
-William Churchill
The nice thing about Windows is -- it does not just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press ‘OK’ first.
-Arno Schaefer
Sex is like a card game: if you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
-Unknown
Sure a woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake a whole relationship.
-Unknown
Coredelia: So, does looking at guns really make girls wanna have sex? That’s scary.
Xander: Yeah, I guess.
Cordelia: Well does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
Xander: I’m seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.
-conversation from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Dough...the stuff that buys me beer.
Ray...the guy that sells me beer.
Me...the one who drinks the beer.
Far...a long run to get beer.
So...I’ll have another beer.
La...la la la la la beer.
Tea...no thanks I’m drinking beer.
That will bring us back to *looks into empty glass* doh.
-sung by Homer on the Simpsons (but applicable to so many college students *grin*)
Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.
-Unknown
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